Have you ever been in the position where you worked your backside off and then someone else took the credit?  Sadly, I have been in both positions in that equation.  To those in my past who felt slighted due to my self-absorbed approach to life…I am sorry.  I am doing and have done my best to change. For me, it came about as I have gone through much of life not feeling “good enough”.  So, you are always trying to prove you are “good enough” to yourself and others.  Unfortunately, for all of us…regardless of how you get there…playing selfish hurts relationships and the possibilities of what “we” can accomplish.

History is replete with a record of conflict between those guys and US.  We see this pattern of life expressed between nations, spouses, labor and management, kids and without a doubt…political parties.  So many of us approach life to win or to get the upper hand or even not to lose.  If you do WIN, then usually it is setting up a future loss or payback from the losing entity.  Right?  In the USA, the Republicans recently felt Obama-Care forced down their throats by the Democrats while they had the votes in Congress to pass it.  Now, of course, the Republicans are firing back and threatening to repeal it as they have regained some votes.  I am not making a political comment as certainly the Republicans have done the exact same thing to the Democrats.  In fact, it is an endless cycle of conflict, battles of personality and gridlock.  Is there a better way?

There is a better way that appears when we set aside the traditional stories we tell ourselves of fear, self-protection, reputation management, competition and struggle.  When we decided to take on the identity of “we”…we enable ourselves to contribute and to hear needs beyond our own agenda and self-will. By telling this story an individual becomes a conduit for change and cooperation.  When the individual subsides watch for the emerging possibilities that fill the opportunity before you.  Ask the questions, “What do WE really want to create here?”  Enjoy the possibilities.

What A Life Coach Can Do For You

• Setting and achieving goals and objectives
• Achieving without the customary stress
• Creating natural paths to success
• Planning — business, career and life
• Blasting through blocks and fears
• Clearing clutter
• Financial security and independence
• Balancing business and personal life
• Making key decisions and designing strategies for success
• Communicating powerfully and succinctly
• Becoming a problem-free zone
• Building powerful relationships
• Breaking through the glass ceiling
• Getting promoted
• Finding the ideal career/work or business
• Finding the ideal partner/love/relationship
• Getting out of a rut
• Making an important life transition
• Starting a business
• Growing a business
• Living an ideal life
• Identifying core values and passions
• Fulfilling personal and emotional needs
• Getting organized
• Making more money
• Having loads more time to enjoy life
• Playing, having adventures, and a lot more fun!
• And much, much more...

Everywhere we look we see the evidence of power and energy in the world.  We see it in an electric outlet.  We feel it with our A/C running all summer.  A powerful weather front blew through north Georgia a few days ago and there were thousands of lightning strikes associated with this storm. We assume there will be enough energy for our day because there always is.  Is there an energy source for you that is this powerful and this reliable?  Yes, there is.  Seek God while he can be found.  Experience the power and motivation that the divine has placed in the world around you so that you may take action on your dreams.  Live in harmony with your surroundings and let them move your heart.

We can be so focused on our own thing that we miss the harmony and power of participating in the greater plan.  We miss the passion of being needed in the larger scheme of things.  I have long wanted to sing in the choir at church but never have because I was “too busy” doing other things.  Finally, after 30 years of thinking about it…I did it.  We rehearsed and worked towards a particular conference we were sponsoring in the southeast and slowly it began to come together.  The magic for me was not that I was able to hit the notes at least most of the time.  The magic for me was that once the four part harmony was melodious and from our hearts, then a fifth part showed up.  I’ll call the fifth voice “Passion”.

How did we make our way to passion? Here are the universal secrets:

1)      When you notice that you are holding back because you may not be sure you are singing the right note, belt it out anyway.  That’s right. Let go of your fears, release the roadblocks of your inner self and let passion surge through your heart and voice.  You will connect to the fifth part of the four part harmony.

2)      Be wholly present and let yourself be the energy source for shaping your song into a new expression for the world.  Even an old song is made new when we show up giving wholeheartedly…passionately.

I heard someone say years ago, "There never is any shortage of leaders.  Leaders will come out of the wood works when the need is clear."  There are leaders everywhere in a family, a business and even in government.  They may not be out front at the moment or ever but they will lead.  A great question for us when we are the "lead dog" is: how much greatness am I willing to grant to others?  I was watching  my son's football practice a few years ago.  We had started the season 0-2 after having won the national championship the previous year.  The older kids and last year's leaders had moved up to the next age level.  To say the least, the first two teams we played were all "fired up" to play last year's National Champions.  After one game that we lost, I walked past the post game meeting of the  team that beat us and the coach was just waxing on about how great this victory was because our team, the Durham Eagles, had won the championship last year in Disney.  Again, we started  0-2.  Our coaches were mad, down and really pushing the kids.

Then, one kid and I am proud to say...my kid..stepped up the week before game 3.  I don't know exactly what happened except that after practice he explained it by saying, "I just got mad and needed to hit someone".  And hit someone he did.  There was one particular drill where he was just wiping people out, causing kids to cry he hit them so hard in practice.  He came from out of nowhere that day and rose to the call.  The coaches were going berserk with enthusiasm as he continued throughout that practice to raise the level of intensity for the whole team.  As a Dad, I was proud.  As a person, I was just absolutely inspired to see what one man...kid..could do for the entire team.  I should add that he was not a big time wide receiver, nor was he the running back and not even the quarterback.  He was the center.  There was no glory for him just the need to take it up.  He lead from behind.  Our team won the next 10 games and was one game a way from returning to Disney when we lost again. Can you tell?  I am still a proud father...10 years later.

(from www.modernservantleader.com) Whether you are the CEO of a Wall Street darling, managing a 3rd generation main street business or reforming social injustices, one thing is certain – we all feel behind today. From corporate scandals to our economic crisis, poor leadership has created obstacles for us all. Therefore, how we get out of this mess will take a different type of leadership. We need leaders that inspire us. Leaders motivated by something greater than themselves. Leaders focused on sustainable success over hollow, short-term gains. What we need is Servant Leadership. With servant leaders leveraging technology and a focus on the right results, yes we can, lead from behind.

Leading from behind starts with the right character, vision and selflessness to inspire; traits that servant leaders Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr. and Mother Teresa exemplified. These individuals all led from behind, knew there was a better way and forged the path to success through service to those they led. However, servant-leadership is effective in any field, not just social reform. Consider, for example, servant leaders in business like Herb Kelleher, Sam Walton and Max DePree.

Kelleher created and led Southwest airlines to be among the most successful companies, bucking one of the most devastating trends in its industry. Fortune Magazine even referred to Kelleher as perhaps the best CEO in America. This servant leader emphasized that people take themselves lightly, but their jobs seriously. As an example of service to those he led, Kelleher was known to spend holidays loading baggage with ground crews.

Like Kelleher, Sam Walton knew the key to success was serving the people that served the organization. Walton was famous for saying, “The folks on the front lines – the ones who actually talk to the customer – are the only ones who really know what’s going on out there. ” Walton also taught that customers were the real boss, not the stockholders.

Both Kelleher and Walton’s beliefs aligned with Max DePree, former CEO and Chairman of Herman Miller, one of America’s foremost furniture manufactures. DePree wrote “Leadership is an Art” and “Leadership Jazz”. Both books received praise from President Clinton and other famous leaders. DePree stated, “The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant. ”

Many more examples of servant leaders in business exist, like Howard Behar of Starbucks fame or Ken Melrose from the turnaround of Toro Company. There are also other companies that found success through servant leadership, companies like Medtronic, Service Master and Marriott International. Furthermore, leadership experts in academia frequently proclaim the need for servant leadership, like Jim Collins’ did in his book Good To Great.

Those who follow the path of servant leadership will have something in their favor – technology. Advances in social technologies are shifting the balance of power to the masses, thus increasing the demand for effective servant leadership and empowering those who leverage it. One recent example was the success of Barack Obama’s 2008 presidential campaign. This “community organizer” used servant leadership, empowered by effective social technologies, to help win his election. Numbers like 6.5 million online donations, 13 million email addresses, 35,000 volunteer groups, his own social networking site, 70 million online fundraisers and over 400,000 blog posts all played an undeniable factor in the election . Servant leaders today will leverage social technology tools for the success of their organizations.

When we take this opportunity to perform as servant leaders, we will ensure the future success of our organizations and our communities. How then, will leaders recognize success at leading from behind? I believe Robert K. Greenleaf the father of modern servant-leadership put it best when he said:

“The best test, and difficult to administer, is: Do those served grow as persons? Do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants? And, what is the effect on the least privileged in society? Will they benefit or at least not be further deprived?”

When answering affirmatively to these questions, the effective leader will recognize they are no longer leading from behind the curve, but ahead of it.

Understanding what it is necessarily means making our way through the jungle of our assumptions, predispositions, biases, feelings, facts, conjecture and the like.  It can assist you in getting out of your "rut". Plus, how else can you discern “what is” unless you can acknowledge what may be your internal world of make believe.  That is, we make things up or filter criteria through our personal perception which for most is highly tainted by our own pain and experience.  Here are some applications that may help you distinguish your perceptions about an event from the event itself.

“Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda.”  Have you ever said, “That should not be that way.  That is wrong.  If I were in charge I would have…”  “Someone could have done something about this.” I think we have all had these thoughts.  However, they take away your power to deal effectively with a given event.  The outrage over a mishandled life situation can blind us to seeing “where do we go from here.”   It can pull us away from the total context of a situation causing us to ineffectively look for solutions.  Or, it may limit the possible solutions we are capable of seeing. I teach a life coaching tool that allows an individual to pull themselves out of a life event and get neutral about their own circumstances.  It is the most powerful of places from which to make decisions and apply wisdom to your life.

“No Back Doors.”  Sometimes the capacity to stay present or live in the now without resistance is very challenging.  This is often because we do not want to let ourselves fully acknowledge the emotional pain we are experiencing.   When we feel this intense hurt we frequently begin to look for back doors so that we may escape.  However, the more we can accept what is and let the emotion run its course the more we will be able to handle intensity going forward.  Perhaps a good example of this would be with children.  We do not want any harm to come to them but as a parent we let them experience the world so that they can grow up. 

If you are experiencing severe emotional pain, then get help from an appropriate professional.  We all need others to help us make it through life and it sure is sweeter when we have friends and support along the way.

“Here Comes the Judge” We live in a world that typically judges everything as right or wrong, good or bad and evil or righteous.   We need to respect and live by our personal values.  However, we are a fanatical, ongoing, everything gets judged society.   I would suggest to you that some things just are, hence, the title of this blog.  They are not good or bad they just exist.  I ask some of my clients to pretend they can pick up “right & wrong” and set it off to the side so that everything we discuss does not get filtered through this lens.  We keep it close so they can always get their hands on it if they need to do so.  But, typically this is a very freeing experience.    You just don’t have to judge everything.

“I wish I had more money.”  “I wish I was taller.”  If only I was prettier…” “I wish life was not so hard.”  “You know what I would do if I had a million dollars?”  Well, the answer for all of these questions and more is, “It is what it is.”  Granted, as you hear this you may be asking “what does this mean exactly?”  For some this statement means “forget about it” to be all Billy Crystal about it.  For others it means acceptance of what is-the way things are- and its consequences even if you don’t like what’s coming.  Still for others it is a one finger hand gesture at the life circumstance.  Read the picture to the right and maybe you don't know what to think about it and you say, "It just is what it is" and you move on.

I would like to pose another option.  This statement could mean I accept what is…pure and simple.  I can observe it and describe it without opinion and experience it without having to pretend to like something that I really can’t stand.  However, I “accept it”.  I am not fighting with it any longer.  There is no internal argument in my mind with which I can’t let go.  To boil this down…let’s just say that it means I am fully present, living in the moment without internal resistance.  This is not a comment on the future action I may take. It is a comment that I accept the now, this current moment.

Living fully present without internal resistance means that you can now ask the sincere question, “Where do I go from here?”  Or, “what do I want to do…now?”  By accepting the moment you actually free yourself to face what’s next without bias, fear or predisposition.  You have created a place of neutrality with your internal self that allows you to consider the wide range of possibilities before you.  (FREE Coaching-click here)

Perhaps...A More Sophisticated Explanation

OK, I am glad you are still reading past the sign above.  It's just a "stupid" sign.  I don't even know what it means except that it is a comment on perception and not "what is".  Forget about it.  Enjoy this article from the Huffington Post. 

“By trying to avoid mistakes and trying to do the "right" thing, we are using a set of personal commandments of what should and should not be. The problem is that by accepting one part of reality and rejecting the other part of reality, we are creating two realities out of one: one being the reality that you approve of, and the other being the reality that you reject.

This dualistic, dichotomous perspective results in two truths. This, here, is perfect. And that, over there, is imperfect. But this and that are part of one and the same reality! Katz (2007) writes that a view of the world as one, not two, is what "describes our relationship to truth" since "the nature of truth is not two" (i.e. non-dual).

And, indeed, when you and I look at one and the same object of reality, say a hat, and you think it is great looking and I think it's heinous, the only thing that both of us can agree on is that "it is what it is" -- and this "it is what it is" is the only truth that allows both of us to be right. By proclaiming that "it is what it is" we both rise above our subjective aesthetics and acknowledge the objective suchness of the object that we were previously trying to judge. We are acknowledging its true nature -- that it is the kind of hat that you see as perfect and I see as imperfect. Thus, this hat is both great looking and heinous, depending on whose mind is appraising it, and, at the same time, this hat is neither good looking nor heinous (when no one is looking) but is a "thing in itself," such as it is.

All truths are relative, i.e. related to one and the same truth, the truth of suchness, the truth that "it" (whatever the "it" may be) is what it is. But to say that something "is what it is" is to say nothing. Functionally, the phrase "it is what it is" is a form of interpretive silence, a form of informational silence. In saying nothing, we are saying nothing false -- and that is, perhaps, the closest we come to expressing that ultimate (one, non-dual) truth that we can all agree upon!” (Dr. Pavol Somov from www.huffingtonpost.com)

Part 2  Make A Contribution…Shift In Thought

Think about it…we have all played games all of our life.  We have played Monopoly, Life, Baseball, Football and a host of other games and sports.  All of these activities have invented rules to create drama and fun and competition.  However, it is all made up just for the purpose of the game.  Incredibly, we get into it and have played our child-like “hearts out” trying to win.    Life is a game.  By this, of course, I do not mean to make light of any of our struggles, pain and troubles.  Yet, how we approach the game or the rules we accept in order to play it can make a difference in whether we enjoy ourselves or not. 

For example, play the game of “Make A Contribution” in regards to your life situation.  Instead of going at your circumstance from a “do or die” mentality or perhaps a “whatever” mentality…go at it from the view of wholeheartedly putting yourself in the “game” as a valuable contributor.  In other words, it the success of the endeavor does not all depend on you but you play knowing you bring worth and value to the game.  So, you bring it.  Then, put yourself passionately into the game as one who makes a difference. 

Here’s an exercise to help develop this muscle.  First, create an agreement with yourself that says something like, “I will play the ‘make a contribution game’ today and every day.” Second, survey this past week and take 10-15 minutes to write down every way you see that you made a contribution.  This may be a game changing, innovative idea at work or it may be that you picked up dinner on the way home one day or put dishes in the dishwasher.  It doesn’t matter.  Just write down every way that you contributed.  Third, think about the rest of today.  Be intentional about how you will bring value to your world before the day is out.  Write down what you will do.  OK, this doesn’t mean that should not be spontaneous in playing this game.  Feel free to be all the spontaneous you want to be.  Point 3 just means that you are bringing a deliberate choice in how you will make a contribution to the remainder of your day.  Have fun.

Part 1
I have a coffee mug that I received years ago from a  group called Hope Worldwide.  On the navy blue mug was a picture of a starfish with the inscription, "Make A Difference".  The story of the starfish as I recall goes a little somethin' like this.  There was a jogger running down a beach early one morning.  In the distance he saw someone curiously stooping over and then as if making throwing motion would heave something into the sea.  The jogger was intrigued and as he approached was trying to figure out in his mind exactly what was going on.  The person in this unfolding drama continued repetitively to stoop and throw,  Finally,the man saw what was happening and stopped the morning jaunt to talk to the lead actor in this movie he had been watching.  The mystery was solved.  The person he had been observing was standing amidst hundreds and hundreds of starfish that had washed ashore the night before and was throwing them back into the ocean.  The jogger said, "You know.  There is no way you are going to get all of these starfish off the beach and into the water before they die.  You are just not going to make much of a difference."  The savior of starfish replied as he threw another one into the sea, "Made a difference to that one" and he continued.

I was pushed from a very early age to excel, to be the best I could be (which Mom, of course, believed meant I would be the best at whatever) and to lead.  Frankly, this was a huge stress and pain producer for me for many years.  It is a lot of pressure for someone to feel like they must be a Top 10% producer at everything, all the time in any circumstance.  There are other ways to relate to the world versus this pressure packed strategy.  For example, you can lead from "second fiddle", you can be satisfied providing labor for a cause in which others provide the leadership and you can be internally satisfied just making a meaningful contribution. Over time and many years ago, I realized that I wasn't going to be the leader at everything anyway as there are so many talented and incredibly gifted people on the planet.  I learned to lead where I was needed to provide governance or inspiration and work for others wholeheartedly on other tasks or projects.  I felt a deep sense of pressure release when I "got it".  This can be a real anxiety fighting tactic for lots of people.  Today, you don't have to be in charge though it's OK if you are. Regardless, it’s OK to just make a contribution. 

I have a coffee mug that I received years ago from a  group called Hope Worldwide.  On the navy blue mug was a picture of a starfish with the inscription, "Make A Difference".  The story of the starfish as I recall goes a little somethin' like this.  There was a jogger running down a beach early one morning.  In the distance he saw someone curiously stooping over and then as if making throwing motion would heave something into the sea.  The jogger was intrigued and as he approached was trying to figure out in his mind exactly what was going on.  The person in this unfolding drama continued repetitively to stoop and throw,  Finally,the man saw what was happening and stopped the morning jaunt to talk to the lead actor in this movie he had been watching.  The mystery was solved.  The person he had been observing was standing amidst hundreds and hundreds of starfish that had washed ashore the night before and was throwing them back into the ocean.  The jogger said, "You know.  There is no way you are going to get all of these starfish off the beach and into the water before they die.  You just not going to make much of a difference."  The savior of starfish replied as he threw another one into the sea, "Made a difference to that one" and he continued.

I was pushed from a very early age to excel, to be the best I could be (which Mom, of course, believed meant I would be the best at whatever) and to lead.  Frankly, this was a huge stress and pain producer for me for many years.  It is a lot of pressure for someone to feel like they must be a Top 10% producer at everything, all the time in any circumstance.  There are other ways to relate to the world versus this pressure packed strategy.  For example, you can lead from "second fiddle", you can be satisfied providing labor for a cause in which others provide the leadership and you can be internally satisfied just making a meaningful contribution. Over time and many years ago, I realized that I wasn't going to be the leader at everything anyway as there are so many talented and incredibly gifted people on the planet.  I learned to lead where I was needed to provide governance or inspiration and work for others wholeheartedly on other tasks or projects.  I felt a deep sense of pressure release when I "got it".  This can be a real anxiety fighting tactic for lots of people.  Today, you don't have to be in charge though it's OK if you are. Regardless,  it's OK to just make a contribution. 

I was in a training seminar with 125 other people and we were given a piece of paper with 9 dots on it and told to solve this puzzle given a certain set of instructions.  Those instructions are “join all 9 dots with 4 straight lines without taking pen from paper”.  Well, that’s simple enough.  No problem.  I have strengths…no kiddin’…I do have some strengths but solving puzzles like this has never been one of them.  (Is that self-limiting?) The class was told that as you solved the puzzle you were to have a staff member approve your solution and then you were to step to the side of the room watching the remaining participants until everyone had finished. 

My internal dialogue began to come alive as more and more people finished the game and watched me and a few others begin to pull the hair out of our head.  “I could use a life coach right now”, I thought as the game went on endlessly.  “I am going to be the last person sitting here figuring this cotton pickin’ thing out.”  “My wife is going to laugh her head off at this one”, I began to muse.  Fortunately, the facilitator ended the game before the last few of us were finished and spared the remaining contestants some pain and embarrassment…but not much.

What was the point of this exercise?  Well, there were a couple of things that shook out during our debriefing afterward.  First, acknowledge your internal dialogue and how you treat yourself.    OK, got that one for sure.  Secondly, think outside the box.  There is more than one way to do something.  Frequently, as I coach business executives there is a “right way” to do something and some rigidity around change and evolving models of productivity.  I was speaking the other day to a client who wants to lose some weight.  However, they just can’t “find a way to do it”.  We searched Google for “weight loss” and came up with over 333 million results.  “How to” is never the problem.  There is always a solution, always a way to accomplish something you truly intend to achieve.

OK, maybe what we need “most of the time” is clarification around what we truly need to achieve or what we truly WANT to achieve.  I’m going to throw out a principle here for you that I believe to be true.  You may or may not accept it.  That’s fine.  Here it is: You have in results what you truly intend.  I want you to respond in the comment section for this blog …right now…how are you reacting to this claim?  I realize this next statement and corollary is pretty hard, but I’ll say it anyway.  Perhaps, you do not have what you say you really want because you have not set your mind and intentions to “gitn’erdun”.  Maybe you would like to have the life of your dreams if it was not so “difficult” to achieve.  Honestly, I do not know if it is hard or easy.  I don’t even know what it is you want. I do know we have a lot of self-limiting beliefs around things we say we sincerely desire.  This is a common human experience.   I am not going to go into “why” at this point but just make an observation.  Would you like to change the paradigm through which you see yourself and build the life of your dreams?  It’s possible but you will likely need help.

The 9 dot exercise hangs some of us up because we can’t see past the apparent box the 9 dots seem to form.  However and in actuality, they do not form a box.  We add framework to the instructions that go something like, “join all 9 dots with 4 straight lines without taking pen from paper…within the square formed by the outer dots.”    We add rules, form, framework and /or context and actually prevent ourselves from “winning” or finishing the game.  What if we had said in the original instructions “join all 9 dots with 4 straight lines without taking pen from paper… and feel free to use the entire page outside of the apparent square formed by the outer dots.”  Would this immediately have you thinking differently about the possibilities?  What we think and what we believe whether it is real or not will design, refine, define and confine who we can be in this world.  Think outside the box.

A Comment on Christian Life Coaching

Are you considering a life coach?  Perhaps, you are past consideration and actually thinking about life coach certification.  Well, whether you want a life coach in Birmingham, Alabama or Australia or Canada or the UK…we would be glad to talk to you about being a life coach.  Personally, my introduction to life coaching came through a family crisis.  It moved my wife and me to take committed action for our child but also for us.  Frankly, we believed we were saving a child but it turned out that we were saving ourselves…and a child.  

Everyone seeks to conquer what challenges their life in some fashion.  You may address your pain or limiting beliefs with determination to change by planning a new strategy, asking a friend for support or seeking power from the divine.  Perhaps, you are tired of being so tactically aggressive about your personal development and are seeking a new attitude through meditation or relaxation.  Whether you are looking for more money, wealth or are going through a career transition…don’t give up.  You can be happy, successful and build the life of your dreams. 

Can you acknowledge that you may need help?  My training allows me to coach people from all backgrounds.   If you would like to talk more, please comment on this site and register for a FREE coaching session.

"I love you Dad.  Thanks for all you hard work, all your love and for being such a determined provider and such a sweet, loving man. I would not be the good that I am without the good you are."  Enjoy the song "Dance with My Father".  The lyrics are below.

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then


Spin me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure
I was loved


If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love to dance with my father again


Ooh, ooh


When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah, yeah
Then finally make me do just what my mama said


Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he
Would be gone from me


If I could steal one final glance
One final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love to dance with my father
again


Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear her, mama cryin’ for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me


I know I’m prayin’ for much too much
But could You send back the only man she loved
I know You don’t do it usually
But Lord, she’s dyin’ to dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream